you don't know until it's over, when you've had time to sit and reflect. the things you said, the hurt, the pain, and the things that you should have said but didn't have the courage to let out. much time has passed and i've lived a few more years and experienced things that make me go, "oh shit that's what she meant...damn i'm an idiot...jesus how could anyone love me i was such a jerk back then...and so on." really and sincerely i have changed in a way that surprises me daily.
john and i have coffee at the least once a week. it's as if we are having a casual therapy session time. we do the catching up and the what have we done so far with the nagging voices in our heads and the scary demons under our beds. it's reality check time filled with; honesty and sometimes on my part more candor than john would like me to be. but, he always brings up a good point, he feels that i'm still hiding something or still afraid of something. he always said i was the most commitment phobic person he knew but he feels that is changing in me. i finally admitted, yes i did sabotage most if not all my relationships; that it steams from a traumatic childhood and a time in my life i do not like or want to talk about. that i had this need for love and approval but inability to accept it with an open heart or mind because i thought i truly didn't deserve it. but, i did at some point figure during my 3 years of therapy i finally had to talk to my therapist about "it" if i wanted to get my money's worth out of this woman (my last therapist).
love is an ugly-scary-bitch when it goes sour and i was so inept to react i practically looked socially if not mentally retarded (that's not being down on the differently able folks) i'm saying i'm fucked up when it comes to conflict resolution. ever since i cut back on my drinking and now i quit smoking i realized i use to have lots of crutches, lots of ways to decompress and let go. but, now i'm all wound up, i'm having panic attacks (this is a new thing) and i'm making myself sick from stress and worry. sobriety sucks and on the other hand it also allows me to see clearly the things i've not been paying attention to or things i've totally let slip away. i now understand how hard it is to keep it all together and try to look somewhat normal when doing it. i think i’ll just give up on looking anything close to being normal cause I’m not and really what the bleep is normal and it’s probably over-rated anyways.
i walk that fine line of neurosis and calmness when everything is a mess and i have to pull it all together to make it make sense. i am flawed, and damaged and fucked up and i'm still beautiful and full of grace because of it. i'm not trying to hide it anymore i'm just trying my best to put it out there, deal with it and love all my fucked-upness for what it is...me.
if i want to say sorry, let me say it...and just accept that i'm telling you that, "yeah you were right and i was wrong and let's be friends if you still want to be my friend."
Edwin McCain
Sorry To a Friend
From - Honor Among Thieves
Sittin' on the edge
Looking for songs in a bottle
Talking with strangers who don't know my pain
Blurry eyed and burned out
Choking on more than I can swallow
Crack in a little voice called out my name
She said - Whatever happened to you
It's been two years where have you been
And I guess all my fears were true
The words were all gone the time's been too long
But I deserve to know what happened to my friend
Staring in her face
I see a past that still haunts me
The road where we split up is paved with the things I didn't say
We had wonderful times, but terrible timing
Now just leave her alone, I'll just be in the way
She said - Whatever happened to you
You took the coward's way out again
And I guess all my fears were true
The words are all gone, the time's been too long
But it's not too late to say I'm sorry to a friend
I'm sorry to a friend
Sorry to a friend
Like a stone in a stream
Life smoothes all our edges
'Til we barely make a ripple any more
But those times in my life will live with me forever
But we're not the same people that we were before
And I'm sorry for the smiles we missed and the times that I blew it
I've got so much to tell you
I don't know where to start
Maybe I'll find a way maybe you'll help me do it
'Cause friends like us should not be apart
And I'm sorry to a friend
Well now I'm sorry
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