Shame Kills People...

Shame is dangerous. It ruins lives, breaks relationships, can destroy families, and kills people.  It took me a really long time to wrap my mind around the death of my friend. And the lies we tell ourselves to feel okay with how people decide to take their own lives.  We have to be very honest with mental illness, with denial of being sick, of the fact that good and kind people sometimes don’t want to see the ugly truth.  We miss things because; it’s what we need to do to go on with our own lives, so it doesn’t disrupt our normal.  We don’t like to disrupt our “normal.” We don’t like other people’s lives, to disrupt our “happy.”

It’s been almost 2 years since she died. It’s been over 4 years since we last spoke.  We stopped speaking because I almost revealed her lies.  She was supposed to graduate from college in 2009, and I asked her when her graduation was, so I could be there to celebrate her accomplishment.  I was proud of her and the hard work she had done to get to this place after so many years of stops and starts.  She told me that she wasn’t going to walk the stage.  I was confused.  I told her that was ridiculous. Graduations weren’t for us, but for the friends and family, who loved and supported us to get to this day.

What I didn’t know was that she had dropped out of school - a year earlier - and hadn’t told anyone. She wasn’t going to graduate, but she was telling everyone she was.  We will do anything to hide our shame. We will destroy trust and years of friendship based on a lie.  It took me years to realize it wasn’t about me, it never was about me.  Unfortunately, when we don’t know the truth we will make up the truth.  

“Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” 

- Brene Brown

It takes a lot of energy to keep a scam going. Keeping all the lies straight, dividing people so they can’t ask questions, and just the silence.  The silence is excruciating.  She told me, she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because, “we were boring and judgmental,” and some other choice words.  Those words haunted me for years.   

It broke my heart.  

I thought, she knew I loved her, and that I would never judge her.  But, it doesn’t matter.  When we commit to something, we either follow through, or we decide to come clean. Most folk never come clean.  Forgiveness is a hard thing to give someone, especially, if they are dead.  When it comes down to it, we must forgive ourselves before we can forgive others.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason.  We all have lessons to learn.  The best antidote to shame is empathy.  No one is perfect.  We have all been there, and it’s not our place to stand on high and judge what others do with their lives.  We are here to learn from each other and be kind and love one another.  That is what I learned from Asal.  I am constantly growing, changing, and being a better person, than I was the day before.

“Love is the bridge between you and everything.” - Rumi