Day 37 & 38: 40 Days & 40 Nights of Lenten Kindness

"When in doubt, choose change."
- Lily Leung

Lent Day 37: I go to a lot of meetings. My depression can really get the best of me at times. I have struggled with depression since I was 13 and was diagnosed with low-grade cyclical depression in my early twenties. There are extenuating circumstances that can trigger my depression from my monthly lady time, to life changes and transitions. I have really bad days where I can't get out of bed and I feel like I want to just walk away from my life (not suicide just feelings of deep despair). I went to years of therapy to work through my irrational thoughts of sadness and hopelessness. Feelings of hopelessness is the worst feeling a person could struggle with. It is when I am coming out of my depression that can sometimes wear on others. I become a little cranky and impatient. That is how I felt at this meeting I was at, after a long day of work and listening to basically the same information I've heard two or three times prior, I wanted to just jump out of my skin and run out the door. I would imagine that's not an appropriate way to react at a meeting, so I sat there quietly listening.

What people may not understand about depression is that 1 out of 5 people struggle with some form of depression from what I have to sever anxiety, borderline personality, and bi-polar disorder. Most people are high functioning and most likely are the same people you encounter on a daily basis or the person you are in an intimate relationship with. Life doesn't stop because I become depressed, I still have to go to work, clean my house, nurture relationships with friends, and be functioning in society to be an acceptable human being.

What I have learned is that I need to honor my depression and that it's something I shouldn't feel shame or guilt around. I know when I am starting to not feel like myself and I usually am very aware of when I need to be alone and take time out to just feel sad. Feelings are good. Love, anger, sadness, joy, frustration, etc...they all should have space in our lives to be expressed in healthy and productive ways. It seems that folks who have never dealt with a mental illness are uneducated in what needs to be done to help the people they love get through the rough parts. It's as if there is supposed to be some magic bullet that will help snap the person out of their cycle: go exercise, sleep, eat right, think positive thoughts, pray (like I can pray my mental illness away, sure). It's not that easy, and there is no magic bullet. It is about consistently being spportive, compassionate, open-minded, and empathetic to the person that is suffering. You may think their thoughts are wrong or irrational, but they are real to that person. Moreover, it's how they are feeling in that moment and we need to just step outside of ourselves and just extend the love that person needs to get through their feeling of helplessness or hopelessness. Other times we need to just make the space to allow the person to get through it on their own.

I've become good at knowing what I need, so I can ride out my waves of depression; I am also very lucky to have found loving and supportive friends that know how to be there for me through the rough patches, who don't judge me or think less of me because of it. Sometimes they just sit with me and let me talk. It makes a huge difference.

I'm a very resilient person, and I bounce back really well after I have a week of being very sad and down on myself. We all have a facade we put on to keep people from knowing the truth. Some of us may pretend to put on a front like it's all good and nothing is wrong. The truth of the matter is, we all have a story, and sometimes there is more going on under the surface if we just take the time to look deeper. Sometimes, there are just folks who aren't very deep, and that's okay too. All we really need to do is ask the right questions, but you have to be prepared for what the answer may be. It may not be anything you'd expect or have the tools to deal with. It is important to know, what we say, and do does affect people even if we want to act as if we don't. How we are in the world has a ripple effect. The person you might have unfriended and blocked on facebook because you didn't like what they posted may have just found out their best friend committed suicide. You just never know. Be kind, always.

Lent Day 38: Maundy Thursday, the last supper that Jesus celebrated with his apostles before he was crucified on the cross which we christians like to call Good Friday (weird). Just an FYI, we all know that Jesus was a good Jewish boy and most likely was having passover dinner with his buddies.

A lot of folks spend Easter weekend with their families, I just want to remind people that the last supper Jesus shared were with a bunch of dudes he met on his journey spreading the "good news," not necessarily people he was related to. the table should be open to everyone, not just a chosen few if we truly want to live the way that Jesus did. in our brokenness we will become whole again.

Enjoy your Thursday people, however you decide to worship or celebrate. Cheers.